Well, I wrote enough to catch you all up and it got deleted on me. FUCKING XANGA. I hate that.
I don't know if I'm going to keep this pregnancy. I don't think I'm any closer to knowing. I think I'm going to have another abortion. I absolutely LOATHE being pregnant... I cannot imagine going through it right now. It's not even the baby that I'm worried about. It's me and my selfish needs and not wanting to grow anything inside me right now. Too much pressure, too much responsibility... I can't handle any more. Plus, I can't even THINK about getting any bigger than I already am.
The Cowboy has been a joy to have here. I love him so much. He's on a job interview right now. He's really trying to take care of us. We've been together 24/7 for 9 days straight. Today is the most we've been apart, which will be about 3 hours. And I'm hardly sick of him =P lol.
Anyways, sorry so short, like I said I did write everything in detail but....
I'm so sorry I haven't been here... turns out I might be MIA most of the time, for a while at least. While I have a small window, I'm going to update you all.
So The Cowboy got to NJ very late, we all went to grab food after that (I didn't eat) and got home about 5am. We only actually slept about an hour or 2 and then had to get ready and go to my parents with the kids. The Ex knew The Cowboy was coming, and didn't seem bothered. We got home about 730pm Sunday night after a really great Mothers' Day. The Cowboy went to lay in my bed while I got the kids showered and ready for bed. Once the kids were asleep, I went in my bed and fell asleep by 830. I woke up at 330am and went to get a drink from the kitchen. The Ex was asleep on the couch as usual. I went back to bed and The Cowboy and I started kissing and fooling around. We were both tired and knew The Ex was in the other room, so we were very slow and quiet, barely even doing anything. For this reason, I believe The Ex got up and came to listen at the door, because within seconds he was banging on the door, screaming "GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY HOUSE". I was so upset, couldn't understand how he knew. Felt bad for doing it in the first place. We got dressed and started walking out the front door. The Ex was sitting on the couch, holding his 13 inch hunting knife (no, he is not a hunter, just has a lot of knives) and tells The Cowboy, "You are not welcome in my house, if you ever come back I'll fucking gut you". To which the Cowboy replies as he never misses a step walking out the door, "Yeah, just try."
We continue walking to my car, I get in the passenger side and The Cowboy walks around to the driver's. Before he's in the car, The Ex comes running outside holding up the knife. I went to lock the doors, but the switch didn't work. I had just enough time to lock it manually and was trying to reach the lock behind me when he tried and failed to open my door, then opened the back door successfully. The whole time I'm screaming for The Cowboy to GO GO GO GO... once the back door is open, he puts it in reverse and hits the gas. Right next to where I park my car in the driveway, there's a big tree. He was trying to crush the Ex between the car door and the tree. I guess the Ex got out of the way quick enough, but my door snapped right off as we drove away. We got a block down the road and pulled over, me screaming that we need to get my kids. I was picturing the worst ways he could get his revenge on me. I needed to get my kids! We called the police who came right away. Within minutes if not seconds they came to us, went up to the house, arrested him and told us to come back. Apparently he confessed immediately and gave them the knife, and if currently in the county jail with $20,000 bond, charged with aggravated assault, terroristic threats and possession of a weapon for unlawful purposes, times 2 because there were 2 victims. He's also already on probation for the last stunt he pulled.
So... The Cowboy decided to stay here with me. About 5 hours after this crazy incident, we took a pregnancy test. And of course... pregnant again.
It's been harder this time to decide what to do. Getting a third abortion is just infuriating. I know, I made my own choices. But I really thought we were careful enough. In fact, doing the math... I'm able to pinpoint the exact night it happened because we didn't have sex for a week prior to that time and not again for 12 days after. That one night. Why is it so easy for me to get pregnant? =[
Also... I love him so much. We've been together non-stop for the past 5 days, endured a lot of shit, and its just been better than ever. It's going to be really hard to abort when I'm pregnant with someone I love so much. It just isn't good timing. I hate myself for this, but I can't go back and change anything. I also decided that I'm going to quit smoking and suck it up and take the pill until we get married. We would like to do that next September, and ideally I'd like to have a child the following September. So I'll be on birth control until the years turns 2015, a year and a half.
Other than that, we're trying to figure everything else out. We need a place to live and money for the meantime since his next job doesn't start until June 15. But at least we have this house until The Ex gets out of jail, which could be a while, but it's also really expensive.
Idk what else to say. That's what's up with me. On the plus side, I'm still 162. No gain is ok with me since I haven't been focused at all. Idk how I can possibly get in better shape until this next abortion is over with.
I can't stress enough how much I love my boyfriend. He's been SO GOOD to me. He bought me a new car door, painted it sooo nicely to match perfectly and is putting it on right now (which is how I'm able to post this) and has just been taking care of me overall. I don't ever want him to leave, and neither does he it seems. In fact, I miss him right now.
I ate so well yesterday, was really proud of myself. Ended up going out with some friends, and at the end of the night, of course.... fucking drunk binge.
So pissed, I was gonna purge but passed out. I woke up feeling like the biggest piece of shit. Decided water only today, and LOTS of it. I still only weighed in at 165, but still. Unacceptable behavior!!! Bad, bad, bad.
So guess what? The Cowboy decided to surprise me and come over for Mothers' Day =] He's getting here at 130am, and hopefully The Riot is picking him up. She's acting shady and weird though. Idk. But he's going to BE HERE!!! So happy I could poop. BUT... I still haven't gotten my period, and my body feels off. I can't tell if it's pregnancy or PMS, but I guess I'll take a test with him tomorrow and go from there. I'm sure you're all sick of hearing about my pregnancy scares and actual pregnancies. It is what it is.
I really hope I'm PMSing. I am one big ball of fury.
First of all, 163 today, and forced myself to eat a 350-400cal breakfast with no carbs. I'll try to eat a similar meal later. Don't want to starve into a plateau. Also really need to work out more.. but guess what? Don't fucking feel like it.
I'm getting upset about my relationship again. IDk why... I'm just scared. I feel like I love him more than he loves me. It hurts. I'm kind of crying right now, so I don't want to type anymore. Sorry =[
Tuesday night I had such horrible pain like period cramps. IT got worse and worse and I thought I was going to shit my pants. I stumbled to the bathroom moaning with blurred vision from how bad the pain was... I opened the bathroom door, turned the light on.... and fainted. I've never fainted before, well, at least standing up. I hit my head, chin, and back on the way down between the sink and tub. The Ex came running and woke me up. He doesn't do well in those situations... something I hate about him. He just started yelling at me... asking if I was drunk or took something. I told him I hadn't had a drink in days and haven't taken anything in months. Then he asked if I've been eating... pissed me off even more because YES I DID EAT ACTUALLY. I hate how people act like everything is my fault. I can't even faint without it meaning I did something wrong.
So I slept in a little yesterday, and had lots to do. No time to post. I was also really tired. Today my period is one week late, the day I should take a test. I still don't want to. The Cowboy is going to Bike Week on Monday for who knows how long... up to 7 days. Then he's going to Massachusetts for a couple days/a week of work. He'll stop and see me on the way up and again on the way down, hopefully spend the night each time. So it'll be at least 10 more days before I see him. If I find out I'm pregnant in that time... aaahhh... can't handle it.
Last night he said he's been fighting the urge to jump on the bike again and just drive to me. That made me happy =] I told him I feel the same. I have no license but just want to say fuck it and get in my car and go to him. It's not the same though... I have a lot of responsibility here. Speaking of which- I don't like to talk about my kids on here too much but I have to share... This morning my son woke me up 20 min before his bus came (usually this would upset me) but he had made me coffee, brought it to me in bed. He had packed his own lunch, showered, gotten dressed and fed himself and his sister. WHAT A WONDERFUL YOUNG MAN, RIGHT?! He makes me feel like a good mom. I almost cried.
OH and I was 164 today. If I can keep intake minimal today and work out, I think I can be in the 150's before I see The Cowboy again. OH and I'm super tan right now, which makes me happy. Haven't been able to tan much since losing my license, but I went twice two weeks ago and twice this week and luckily I tan easy. I also dyed my hair which I have mixed feelings about. (If you didn't know- I'm a hairstylist) I haven't dyed my hair in 3 years because I wanted to grow it all out to my natural color. It's a medium brown that looks pretty light in the sun. I wanted to go one shade lighter, almost blonde. I guess I got what I wanted, it's barely any different. Just ever so slightly lighter. I'm just upset because my hair isn't virgin anymore, and I hardly have anything to show for it. The Riot watched me do it and The Ex took me to buy the color, so I cant pretend I still have natural hair, and if I want it lighter still, that means I'll have double-processed hair. So I'm just going to leave it I guess.
Anyway, that's all for now I guess. Hope alls good with you guys xoxox