Tuesday, 12 June 2012

• Lost that pound, but this brings me to the same weight as Sunday. I swear if I'm plateauing already I will be so angry. I have been vigilant and perfect with my calories for an entire week and HAVE NOT PURGED ONCE. This is a great step for me. But, I am completely obsessing over my body. I want this weight off so badly. I want to be skinny more than I want to breathe. I had made a calendar for myself May/June as a countdown to where I thought I should be on June 30. There's no way that's going to happen, I'm 24lbs away and 18 days lol. But I AM going to keep my diet going until that day. My highest day will not be over 1000calories, my usual will be about 500, with my Monday/Tuesday weekly fast. I can probably get halfway there, which would be my LW of last year. Then I'd be 20lbs from my UGW. I may want to lower that goal a little, just to make sure I maintain it.

  I didn't see E yesterday, but we texted a bit. He works like 13 hours a day during the week. It's good though, gives me space to do what I need to. G was kind of affectionate last night. It's so hard not to care. I can't help feeling guilty. I remind myself of everything he's done to me and that I could never be THAT cold. Why do I feel bad for him? Everything he's gotten he's deserved. Well actually, what he DESERVED was to go to jail. But I know that he has come to realize that he was lucky to have me. Too little too late I guess? I just don't even want to look at him. I wish none of this ever happened. I wish I was a strong enough woman to stand by him no matter what kind of awful stunt he pulled. I never know what's right. 50 years ago women kept quiet about their husband's secrets and never left, never strayed. Keeping the marriage together was a given, and nothing changed that, ever. Was that good? I mean, is keeping the vow more important than getting enjoyment out of life? How do the kids get the most enjoyment? I just don't know what right anymore. I keep ending up back to E because the universe seems to be pointing us toward each other. God did not create the marriage certificate, I believe that according to Him, marriage exsists in your soul. My soul is married to E. I know sincerely that I do not ever want someone else over him. I really do believe that's what God talks about when he says husband. Not this stupid piece of paper legally holding me to someone I can't stand. Then I feel like I shouldn't say these things about him, that I should respect him. IT IS JUST SO HARD TO REVERSE WHAT HE HAS MADE ME FEEL FOR HIM!!! He was SO unbelievably EVIL. I wished he would drop dead. I thought about killling him all the time for what he did/was doing to us. I'm so confused... I gotta get out of here before I lose it completely.

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