Saturday, 16 June 2012
Down another pound but still no poop. I can't talk that laxative til Monday... and that's gonna suck.
Yesterday I went to my mom's to do her hair. We kind of hate each other, but I opened up to her about the G/E situation. She (the most judgemental person ever) said that she likes E, and I should be with him because he makes me happy. She HATES G. For good reason, but when my mom hates, she hates hard. And G refuses to make any amends. My dad is leaving the country for 6 weeks on Monday, so last night they had some people over for drinks. She wanted me to come and bring E. E didn't want to go because he works 13 hour days all week and 10 hours on Saturdays, so Friday night he can be very edgy. We decided to just stay at his house.
G came home 90 minutes late. He hardly talked to me except to say that he was nauseus and couldn't eat all day. After we put the kids to sleep I was walking out the door and he goes, "Have fun at E's"
I think he went through my phone. I'm not sure. My kids said he asked them questions too, but that he told them he figured it out. He just kept saying it was funny that I think he;s stupid, I told him I wasn't trying to hide anything. I guess part of me wanted him to know. More like... wanted him to know it was over, not that I was with someone else. He said he loved me and wanted to make things work and I told him I gave him the chance and he didn't take it. I shouldn't have GIVEN him the chance in the first place. That all my family and friends have all but abandoned me because they're disgusted that I took him back... and he hasn't shown me even a little bit that that was the right choice. Except that my kids are happy. That is the only good thing about him being here. And my kids are the most important thing to me.
I started running down the street, called E to get me. I was a wreck, crying, drinking. We talked in his car for a long time then went inside his house to sleep. G called me about 3458743089 times. And in the morning E brought me back to be with the kids. G hardly said a word to me. But that's not out of the ordinary. Especially if there is something to be said, that's when he's the quietest. I don't know what to do. But I can't watch him all sad, even though he has made me SO much sadder. So much sadder. I'm crying just remembering the hell he put me through. I cannot be with him! Even if he does change... this hurt is so deep.
I'm scared to leave G for someone I love. I'm scared to be in love. I've never loved anyone else. I couldn't handle him breaking my heart. He's done it a few times already. But he says once I'm divorced he won't get that way anymore. He just wants me and all of me and to not be committing adultery. Don't I owe HIM a chance? He stayed with me when G pulled all that stuff. He loves my kids. He loves me. He just has his issues... and so do I.
When the going gets tough, the tough get skinny.