Monday, 09 July 2012
AND THIS IS WHY I STOPPED EXERCISING.
I am UP one pound today... when I ran 5 miles and consumed 150 calories yesterday. NO purging. This is the WORST feeling in the world, after pushing myself through a total of 9 miles this weekend when I REALLY didnt want to. I should have lost. Usually the extreme restriction alone will give me at least a small loss... at worst I'll stay the same... BUT A FUCKING GAIN?!?!?! I know you're all gonna say its muscle mass- I do not want or need any more muscle mass!! I do not want to add any kind of mass! And wouldn't I need to consume something in order to creat that mass?? I doubt what I ate even weighed a pound, 1 and a half veggie burger patties.
Since I'm not a quitter, I will keep doing this for another week. If I don't see some SERIOUS results... fuck it. I cannot be gaining when trying this hard!
I went on sort of a date with M last night... We saw the movie Ted and then went to a bar where some mutual friends were hanging out, then went to his house and talked. He kissed me good night but I wouldn't open my mouth... just small pecks. I'm seriously not ready for that/this... and I don't know if I even like him like that or could. But he's a very sweet, smart, funny and cool guy. He's attractive too... except he is shorter than me a little (I also wear heels, then he's a lot shorter) and he's going bald, which doesn't bother me... E went bald at 19, but he shaves his head. I LOVE HIS BALD HEAD. M should definately shave his... he just wears hats to cover it. And he used to be really fat so his body is kind of weird under his shirt. I feel so bad saying all of this... it's probably just cause I miss E. Every little thing makes me miss him more. He's the only one I want to kiss still.
But I'll never kiss him again... because I'm too fat to be bothered with.
And apparently fatter today than yesterday.