Saturday, 14 July 2012
damn it damn it damn it damn it.
It just isn't fair. No, I didn't work out yesterday. BUT all I ate was broccoli and a salad. And I was out late, no drinking. I should have dropped at LEAST one pound. I am taking those stupid laxatives tomorrow.
In other news, M is "taking me on a real date" today. My friend and I met up with him for dinner and drinks (I didn't drink) last night with his friends, too, and he was just simply all over me. His one friend was there who is also good friends with G, adding a new dimension of awkward. I've known this friend longer than G has, but G is much closer to him. He seemed to encourage M and I as an item though. He's a good guy, too. I am just so incredibly not ready for this. I compare him to E constantly. I am just starting to get to a point where I think it's POSSIBLE to get over E, but that's as far as I've come. I kissed M more than a peck last night, and it was hard for me. I feel so torn. I know he's a very good guy and he treats me well... but they all do in the beginning. I am so bitter toward love, and I know the look in his eye.... he thinks he's falling for me. But it's just bells and whistles... he doesn't love me. He'll realize this the minute I give in, and I know it. So I can't give in. But I do like him, we have a good time together. So I'll go on this "real date". We're gonna get Mexican food, see Spiderman, then probably go out with friends. It does make it weird that we share the same basic circle of friends. But I guess he likes it because he gets a good resume on me. I've known who he was for years, but until last year... he was a REALLY big and grungy dude. He lost something like 120lbs. Now he wants to be a personal trainer and he tells me he wants me to be his project and "tone me up". I know he doesn't mean harm by this... but my inner voice puts a gun to her head when he says things like that. I cannot in any way handle other people's opinions on my body. Especially when they involve room for improvement... of course he doesn't realize that improving my body controls my entire life.
Anyway, wish me luck!
I just pooped naturally and down .5lb. Now I may be able to focus today!