Monday, 23 July 2012
Ugh... my weight has been teetering... idk why... I'm dieting so well, working out like mad... It's not fair. I guess I LOOK skinnier... but not skinny enough. I've been taking weekly pictures of my abs and I definately see a big diffference. I went shopping yesterday and tried on a bunch of dresses... I was amazed at how good everything looked. I don't remember ever having that feeling?! And I got some TIGHT sexy dresses... one I will wear tomorrow for my best friend's birthday. OF course I'm going with M. I'm starting to like him more and more... but I'm seriously not over E whatsoever... and I'm still bitter about love in general. I feel like what I want, what I need... it doesn't exist. It's not possible for a man to look at me as perfection, and to never look at anyone else forever. For me to give myself to someone... I need to know that they hold me in the highest regard. I need them to drive me to do better, always, but to still think I'm the greatest when I fall short. I want them to protect me and know me deeply. I used to have all these things... I had the dream. I could not have been happier. It was incredible. And it's gone forever...
What a fucking ramble.
It's all I do anymore.
If I can't have love, I will settle for a perfect stomach. That's what I really want. I tried on a bikini yesterday too just to see is MAYBE I could get away with it tomorrow... NO. I admit they have looked much worse on me in the past... but if I went in public like that I'd be crucified.
You get the point.