Saturday, 27 October 2012
Once again, writing when I have no time.
Well the lawyer was nice, but he costs $1800. I knew no matter what, I can't afford it. I got to The Money's house at the same time he did, so I didnt get to clean up for him. But I did mangage to get the picture and frame and sneak it up on his fireplace. He asked how much for the lawyer and then said to shop around for something closer to $1200, and that he would pay half. I thought I made it clear I HAVE NO MONEY. If I'm going to get a lawyer, I'm not going to get the cheapest one, because the chances are I'd end up still paying maximum fines. Better lawyer, better chance of having charges dropped, right? Shitty lawyer, I'm out $1200 plus everything I would have to pay if I never got one. I just told him I don't want to talk about it. So we went upstairs on the couch and he massaged my back for a good hour. Then we fooled around for another hour....
Then I flipped the fuck out. I mean REALLY. I started crying just a little, then went totally apeshit. I told him I had to go, I was getting too emotional and needed to be alone. He begged me, practically tried to force me to stay. I cried harder and harder, telling him I can't be like this in front of him... I'm too vulnerable, I'll get attached. He kept saying I could cry there and he'd ignore me if I wanted, he just wanted me there. It went on and on for an hour and a half... and eventually he let me go. When I was walking out, he said to keep looking for lawyers. I told him I can't pay for half... I didn't know if a lawyer cost 500 or 5000, no matter what, it was too much for me and I had no idea how I'd even pay my fines. He said he's going to give me $800 on Friday, and use it for whatever I can. I told him no, but I think he won't listen. He's also taking the kids and I to Baltimore next weekend. So give me $800 and then pay for 4 people all weekend on a minivacation??? Get out of here.
I feel terrible... I know he wants to be close to me, but my wall is just not coming down. I am still in my whirlwind from The One I guess... I could have been happy with him forever, and it went so bad, so fast. I don't ever want to live through something like that again. I don't ever want to trust and fall so hard in love. It's like when you stand on the high dive, and as much as you want to jump, your body just won't let you.
I'm so embarassed... he texted me this morning asking me to come and cuddle with him until he got up. I didnt read it til an hour later so... ugh. He said he had plans today but I didn't ask details. I'm taking the kids to a bday party today, then babysitting my friend's kids at her house all night. I think the Lumberjack is gonna come keep me company, but it might just be me. Ah well. I'll let you know what happens next.